SUNDERLAND FC

I had perhaps my happiest day ever in football at a Sunderland match. It was in 2004 when Millwall defeated them in the semi final of the FA Cup at Old Trafford.

EXETER CITY

I once went to Exeter while on tour and after the gig I wound up staying (with the band) at a stranger’s house. The guy (our host), a pissed geek called Andy, repeatedly played the first Streets album before getting stoned and eventually showing us some kind of bestiality porn on his laptop featuring a horse fucking a woman. This promptly caused our bass player to begin freaking out. Just what this has to do with the football team is open to debate but with regards to the city that is the problem with first impressions, you only get to make them once.

WYCOMBE WANDERERS

It’s still slightly difficult to consider Wycombe Wanderers a league club. It is from that era (the conference days) that they have something of a heated rivalry with Colchester United as they literally went head to head to promotion into the football league.

BRIGHTON & HOVE ALBION

Brighton & Hove Albion is a strange football club. They were actually one of the teams at my first ever football match when they played Ipswich in 1986. This was only a few years after they had played Manchester United in the FA Cup final, taking them to a replay at Wembley. These days however they suck balls, playing in a barely functional stadium. Such is life.

For a while, being their most famous supporter, Norman Cook provided the shirt sponsorship. Not ideal.

In recent years they were unfortunately part of one of the most ridiculous football hooliganism stories as a reporter attended their game against Millwall at The New Den where fans were supposed/believed to be heard shouting “Seig Heil!” where in reality it was the sarcastic tones of “Seagulls”. Then again perhaps football teams should have such stupid nicknames and weird associations with weird beasts and creatures.

There isn’t really anything offensive about Brighton & Hove Albion just an overriding sadness.

BRENTFORD FC

Brentford are technically a London club but being situated in the outer reaches of the city and never having really made it to the higher levels of football they’ve failed to really ruffle feathers.

BIRMINGHAM CITY

Having experienced a fair fluctuation of fortunes over the years Birmingham City have always found themselves wrestling with Aston Villa for the honour of being the premier football club in England’s “second city”. Often they have found themselves runners up.

WIGAN ATHLETIC

Wigan is the poor cousins of the teams from Liverpool. For the longest time they were something of a cuddly club, one that would never cause offence and would play nice football. Then they began to discover success and eventually wound up in the Premier League where they now serve as some kind of nuisance and banana skin as they tend to make up the numbers year in year out.

SWINDON TOWN

Swindon Town is a lower league club that occasionally makes fleeting appearances at the top levels.

CHARLTON ATHLETIC

Charlton Athletic are a cuddly South London club that are infamous for almost losing their ground The Valley when faced with financial difficulties. As a result of this they wound up in a ground share with Crystal Palace, something I don’t think I would wish on my worst enemy.

LEYTON ORIENT

Leyton Orient are an East London club that have never really accomplished much.

GILLINGHAM FC

Gillingham are a low level football club on the outskirts of London with an unfortunate “pikey” reputation.

Growing up the first time I heard about the club was when they featured in the only book at my primary school library about football. Inside the book there was a Q&A with a player called Mark Weatherly. As kids we were literally “Gillingham, who are they?”

WEST BROMWICH ALBION

This is a team nicknamed “the Baggies.” From the start this does not encourage confidence in the side.

Unfortunate for them they have tended to live their existence in the shadows of Aston Villa and Birmingham City. Very unfortunate.

PORTSMOUTH

Portsmouth are a South coast club with a jaded history who currently appear destined to fly into oblivion.

PLYMOUTH ARGYLE

Plymouth are a team that play in green from the South West region of England where things are strange and people are funny.

Always talk about Tommy Tynan.

BARNET FC

Barnet are one of the smallest clubs in the football league. When they do anything of interest I will be sure to tell you about it.

NEWCASTLE UNITED

With shirts like Juventus the number one Geordie team has a long legacy of not a whole of accomplishment attached to it.

In recent years Newcastle has played home stars like Kevin Keegan, Peter Beardsley and Paul Gascoigne and even had the first Brazilian player in the country in Mirandinho.

FULHAM FC

Despite its apparent delusions of grandeur Fulham is the most pointless football club in London.

NORWICH CITY

Norwich is a yellow team from East Anglia that along with Ipswich Town has something of a superiority complex. They also have the naffest local rivalry in football with their Tractor Boy cousins. I went to Carrow Road once and I never intend to go there again. Norwich is a strange place.

There club nickname is The Canaries. What kind of identity is that to have?

I once had an “incident” with a drunken Norwich fan on a train home. It all culminated with him calling me “Bermondsey scum”.

Sadly they are probably most famous for having Delia Smith as an owner, all of which culminated with her embarrassing halftime rant a few years ago. Quite frankly Norwich is a club that should swish around in a dress.

OLDHAM ATHLETIC

Oldham is a club that had a bit of life about them back in the nineties as they crept into the top flight with real fire and got to an FA Cup final. Unfortunately things slightly fell apart for them and currently they languish in the third division (Division One).

WEST HAM UNITED

Outside a small part of East London you get the impression that West Ham United is not a very popular club. Perhaps it is for the manner in which their supporters can often be heard insisting that it was their club that won the 1966 World Cup for England.

This is Trevor Brooking’s club and that is no fun.

They are very popular in Essex.

Their most famous supporters are Alf Garnett and Ray Winstone.

CRYSTAL PALACE

Crystal Palace are a strange club. Despite being from deep South London they still exude some kind of arrogance and pride that really does not seem or feel justified when viewed from an external perspective.

In recent memory I think this reputation has been peppered by first the antics of Ian Wright (now co-host on perhaps the most moronic television show in history) and the fluffy haired aspirations of the blonde and orange moneyman Simon Jordan (seemingly a success in all fields barring football it would seem).

Over the years their kit has changed from a Thunderbirds motif to the equally laughable FC Barcelona colour scheme. What on earth is that about?

They consider themselves the main rivals of Millwall but that only works one way considering West Ham are in that equation from the Millwall perspective. That said Crystal Palace (known as “The Beagles” by Lions supporters) do have a recent history of always turning over their neighbours.

Their ground Selhurst Park has also in recent years played host to Charlton Athletic and Wimbledon in their days of need.

BURNLEY FC

Burnley FC is a whiny little club that has somehow ended up in the premier league.

Their most famous football supporter is Amy Lame.

The have firm called the “Suicide Squad” that was featured on Danny Dyer’s football hooligan programme.

They play in the same colours as West Ham United.

I do not have one good thing to say about them.

SOUTHAMPTON FC

Arguably the most famous Southampton player is Matthew Le Tissier. The last time I saw him on TV he was in the dictionary corner on Countdown. It was just wrong.

SCUNTHORPE UNITED

The online scourge of football bulletin boards and email groups for unfortunately possessing the worst of swear words in the middle of their name, Scunthorpe sadly are not known for much else.

MANCHESTER CITY

After years of being the only club really from Manchester and often being the thorn in their richer neighbour’s side, the sad truth is that now with the advent of their new sheik owner Manchester City have now replaced Chelsea as the unpopular money boys of football as they become the latest club endeavouring to buy the league it would seem. You would like to decree that it is a task doomed to failure but history has shown out with Chelsea that it can be done.

QUEENS PARK RANGERS

Situated in Shepherd’s Bush QPR were once most famous for being one of the clubs with a plastic pitch. As a result it made them difficult to beat at home and gave them something of an undeserved higher status in the grand scheme of things than they perhaps deserved.

LEEDS UNITED

Leeds United is a club with something of a split personality demeanour. As a result it is quite hard to have any sympathy for the club and what has occurred to them over the past few years.

MIDDLESBOROUGH

Middlesborough are a strange team from up North. I once saw Dalian Atkinson of Ipswich Town tear through one of their greatest teams (Gary Pallister et al) and score a miraculous hat-trick that came from what appeared to be superhuman powers.

IPSWICH TOWN

This is a club relatively close to where I live and when I was younger my dad and I actually had season tickets to the club for a couple of seasons. During that time I found myself watching the most lacklustre football club I have ever come into contact with as they floundered around the second tier of football seemingly without a hope of ever bettering their possession and yet the supporters surrounding me appeared to consider the club they were watching to still be the same house that Bobby Robson built. For me the club only stinks of arrogance.

Really, is anyone at the club really proud of being known as “The Tractor Boys”?

ARSENAL

Arsenal is an obnoxious club from London that appears to experience waves of success.

EVERTON

Everton are the other club from Merseyside and supposedly the arch foes of Liverpool.

I cannot understand why anyone in the South of England would support this club.

BRISTOL ROVERS

There are two clubs in Bristol. Bristol Rovers is the ugly sister.

CHELSEA

Over the years I have had the misfortune to come across a number of Chelsea supporters and never once have any of them possessed anything remotely resembling charisma or personality despite the possession on their part of rampant egos and an inkling of talent. The most recent and despicable example of this being a gentleman from Tunbridge Wells that looked like Danny Devito.

Situated in a more affluent partition of London, we are now well into the Roman-era of Chelsea and football in general. With his Russian currency Abramovich has truly upped the money grabbing culture of football even further at a time when it was already inflated and a true false economy. At one point it looked like the bubble would burst for football but now with live in a world and reality that the teams at the top will always have these types to bail them out if so required.

Chelsea were the first club to charge over £1000 for a season ticket.

PETERBOROUGH UNITED

It is perhaps not the best thing in the world when your club is most famous for its associates with Barry Fry.

Currently Peterborough are a serious consideration at their level for having Darren Ferguson (Alex Ferguson’s son) as their manager.

BLACKBURN ROVERS

Blackburn Rovers is a football club situated up North. They won the league once.

CREWE ALEXANDRA

The most famous fact about Crewe Alexandra is that Dario Gradi has been their manager for 100 years.

I once saw a great game between Millwall and Crewe where Millwall did everything in their power (and Crewe’s assistance) to blow the game before Dennis Wise “earned” a penalty and ‘Wall eventually won 4-3.

HARTLEPOOL

The only thing people know about Hartlepool is that Jeff Stelling supports them.

MK DONS

Milton Keynes Dons are a disgrace of a football club. Nicknamed “Franchise” by the majority of the footballing world they are the club that purchased Wimbledon’s status and heritage (ergo they are the Dons) and in the process killed one of the most notorious clubs in history.

ASTON VILLA

Situated in Birmingham Aston Villa are best known for having a silly name and brown shirts.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR

Perhaps best known for their rivalry with Arsenal rather than any actual feats on the pitch, Tottenham supporters refer to themselves as “Yids” so I think they might be something of a Jewish club.

LEICESTER CITY

Nicknamed “The Foxes” this club is Gary Lineker’s baby. As a result of this and the connotations of being associated with one of the “reader’s wives” these days they are a tough club to like.

LIVERPOOL FC

When I first got into football I used to like Liverpool because they had Jan Molby in their team and to the day he remains one of my all time favourite players mainly because it was great to see a fat boy flourish at football.

It subsequent years however the sad spectacle of the whining Scouse has only served to belittle the team/club and make them one of the more annoying clubs in the “big four.”

HUDDERSFIELD TOWN

I know Huddersfield for two things: having a Yorkshire Terrier on their club badge and being the team that Manchester City once beat 10-0 having three players score a hat-trick in one game.

COLCHESTER UNITED

Colchester United is a fantastic little club, rough and an awkward place for clubs to visit. I once bought a flat just because it was on Layer Road which for several years was the home of Colchester United.

At one point in history the chairman of Colchester United was comedian Frank Carson.

MANCHESTER UNITED

When I was five for Christmas my parents bought me a Manchester United football bag for school. Immediately I resisted it which probably broke the heart of my old man considering he is a lifelong supporter of the club.

Manchester United are the New York Yankees of football. After possessing one of the greatest teams through the sixties and seventies after a sour hiccup during most of the eighties in the modern era of football (the Sky TV era of football reinvention) they have emerged once more as the most decorated and successful club in history.

MILLWALL FC

Situated in South London, considering the size of the club, pound for pound Millwall is one of the most notorious clubs in football history and with it one of the more tangible and exciting outfits to follow.